Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize