It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
