Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
