i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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