She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
