dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
