I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
