you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
