genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
