I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
