dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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