guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
