In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
