3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
