And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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