her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
this is an emotional support booty call
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize