Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
