somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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