oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
