So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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