Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
