if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
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The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
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I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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