the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
