I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
