you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
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I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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