I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
