Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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