new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
