Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Alive.
So much puke
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
