A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
