Pants 0. Shit 1.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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