Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Randomize
