Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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