Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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