Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
