Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
