Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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