Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
