he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
