I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
