I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
