i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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