im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
