some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
