ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
