How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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