The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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