Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
