i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
