My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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