you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
