You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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