He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I supernannyed him into submission
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
