Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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