My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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