the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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