Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
