I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
