I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
